If size matters then Scientology has a small dick

Posted: 12th September 2010 by ensifer in Random articles

Been offline for a while. Now I’m not.

So let’s talk about penis size. Okay?

One of the more frequent discussions I come across in the universe of Scientology dissidents is the subject of bogus claims to the number of actual Scientologists. The common theme here in the real world is that while the CofS claims hundreds of thousands or perhaps 8 or 10 million souls collected, the truth is the actual number of paying customers is dismally small.

The customary tone of ex-Scientologists when commenting on Scientology PR or effectiveness seems (to me anyway) to be a mixture of whining, victimization, Miscavige-hate-syndrome and calls to arms for donning masks based on Guy Fawkes and prancing about in the sunlight being anonymous. Blended in there among the cacophony of carping and bitching are the occasional sensible voices that suggest that there is value to be had from Hubbard’s plagiarisms so long as you don’t get involved with the ethics, FSMs, building fundraisers or zombie infections that the organization can produce. So with both camps declaring the other is full of shit, who really knows the size?

What does this have to do with penis size, you ask? Well, a lot. I will firmly agree with the internet assessments that actual paying customers in Scientology probably number no more than maybe 100K… 200K tops. And I’m including newbies on the Comm Course – or whatever it’s called these days. So if Scientology has failed to infect the public at large with it’s wonderfulness as a religion then why all the big buildings? Why are there continual missions being “fired off” to browbeat the slavish and other-intended OTs into coughing up hundreds of thousands of bucks to buy and remodel these edifices to OT-ness around the planet.

I think it’s because Scientology has failed in doing the religion thing. People out there just routinely don’t give a shit one way or the other what Scientology is offering and they damned sure don’t see L. Ron Hubbard as some sort of elevated spiritual master. For better or worse, life on planet Earth isn’t about salvation. Outside the scope of radical Islam (where it’s about either being a Muslim or being decapitated) people across the globe simply want to get laid, live somewhere nice, see some cool movies,  play their XBox, root for their college football team, go camping, maybe get married and put down roots so they can fulfill their genetic obligation to replicate themselves. Whatever we are… spiritual, totally meat or some hybrid combination… comfort, success and much of the available joy is obtained through buying shit and showing it off as proof you’re capable.

That last bit is the most important part of my rant here this evening… buying shit and showing it off.

One of the effects this tie to material things has… primarily on men, so you women are cool for now… is that men “prove” their prowess through displaying what they’ve won in battle. A man’s worth has to be seen to be measured. Accumulating things is evidence that you don’t want to fuck with the guy who has more things than you do.  And in that entire weird brew of conquering, acquiring and displaying is the issue that men have when it comes to dick size. Whatever we say publicly, we all know that a big dick gets talked about. Yeah, yeah, it’s how you use it, etc., etc. But c’mon, the truth is that men fear dicks bigger than theirs. And women, who may enjoy the security and comfort provided by a small-penised male, will still buy Harlequin romance novels, giggle with their friends over so-and-so who has a major league unit or even stray from time to time. If the opportunity arises and they are sure they won’t get caught.

Which leaves us with the need to get big things and show them off as a surrogate for having a dick that does not inspire awe. Certainly buying up and remodeling hundreds of buildings that will, for the most part, sit empty, is a clue that somebody up there in the higher echelon of Scientology is struggling with a 4″ pecker. Where I grew up… out in West Texas… we had sayings for this affectation. Like – “All hat, no cattle”. To describe the cowboy who isn’t, but dresses like one. We knew that the bigger the buckle: the smaller the unit.

You folks who hate movie star Scientologists will aprreciate this one. of course, he does have his own private airline-sized jet and a runway at his house. But hey! No cattle.

The few guys I knew who actually won dinner-plate size buckles either put them in a drawer or pawned them so other guys with no credibility or talent could buy them and wear them to the two-stepping competition.

Seeing as about 80% of the Scientology promo pieces I get in the mail are intended to inspire me to fork over cash for this whole ‘Ideal Org” thing that Miscavige has created – and seeing as how I pretty much know for a certainty that they couldn’t fill even 20% of the seats in these places – then I have to assume that Miscavige is using Ideal Orgs as replacement therapy for his feeling of inferiority owing to the fact he has a needle-dick.

Doesn’t this whole Ideal Orgs thing smack of Field of Dreams? You know, the movie where Kostner built a baseball diamond in an Iowa cornfield and, magically, both players and fans appeared to rejoice in the ecstasy that is baseball, fandom, crappy hot dogs and expensive beer all in the sweltering summer humidity of Iowa in June. Sheesh. What a load of crap.

After leaving Scientology I spent a number of years selling automobiles. The same syndrome works there as it does in the Ideal Orgs situation. I mean, think about it… is there any other possible explanation for anyone purchasing a Hummer other than that they are making up for having a swizzle stick sized penis when all the world knows it takes a .44 magnum to do the job?

"Hey ladies. Wanna check out my Hummer? What, no, no really, forget what my ex-wife says, I'm totally at least average. For a white guy, that is."

Seeing as how I sold Mercedes, Range Rover and yes, even Hummers over the years I saw more than my share of David Miscavige types dropping $50K or $100K for instant penis enlargement.

I’m not going to suggest that owning a nice building, whether for a Scientology Org or any business, isn’t a fine idea. It is. The Missions I owned or ran all eventually outgrew their available space. Notice I said – outgrew? That’s because usually it’s better to spend money on things that actually produce new income or new customers than on things that serve no real purpose other than to make the owner feel better about himself… or herself. We can all probably agree that when we were in Scientology it was pretty cool when our local Mission or Org actually achieved enough affluence to either expand or improve the space. The Dallas Scientology Center in 1965 was in a house on Mockingbird Lane in town. It was fine so long as no single evening produced more than perhaps 20 people attending class. And there was room for two auditors. The house was nice enough, but when the Center got more successful they had to acquire larger quarters. It wasn’t about ego, or feelings of inferiority, it was about need. A need spawned by success.

I see this acquisition and beautification of large structures in Scientology being totally, 100% about ego and feelings of inferiority. No way do those Orgs actually need that much room. No way. Some have even suggested that the Evil Doctor Miscavige has created an elaborate scheme whereby he actually owns the buildings through a series of covert corporations and surreptitious legal maneuvers.  Hey, could be. I have no idea. Nor do I care. He doesn’t have any of my money and if he has some of yours you probably feel pretty foolish about now, huh?

Oh, almost forgot – here’s a hilarious link crediting Scientology with a ton more adherents than it likely has:


These guys give the CofS 500,000 people. Yeah, right. If they actually had 500,000 people then the stunning images of all the new Orgs in the mailers I get would have people in the images instead of empty rooms full of new furniture and tasteful wood flooring.

Anyway, what got me started on this whole thing today was a new promo piece that was in my PO Box. It invited me to Flag to attend the raising of a 175 foot tall Scientology cross above (I guess) the Flag Land Base. Holy shit! 175 feet is one tall motherfucking cross. The promo details that it will be raised in three parts… ala the ARC Triangle I reckon… and that there will be hot dogs, music and pony rides. Wait! Did I say pony rides? Yes, yes I did. Scientology, the religion that is here to save the planet from itself as well as the evil of psychiatry and threat of re-insertion into a volcano, is having pony rides at Flag.

I dunno about you, but I suspect this whole thing is an elaborate scheme to entice rich OT’s to fly to Flag with their children. Then they’ll lure the kids onto the ponies while reg teams block off the visiting OT parents and they’ll refuse to give the kids back until a check is written. That, by the way, is how I was first introduced to the RTC back in 82. We were told that in order to leave the room where the Mission holders were being held captive we’d have to either write a check or sign a promissory note that we’d send the money along as soon as we got home.

I went for the promissory note. If you wonder why just ask any ex-wife of mine what area of life I have the most integrity issues on.

If you ever want to see little Emily or Javier again I suggest you make a contribution. Oh, and by the way? They asked about joining the Sea Org.

All in all, I guess more than anything I’m amazed that modern day Scientologists fall for this crap. It’s very hard for me to imagine what the frame of mind is that allows people to even talk to you when all they are after is your cash. It’s not even as if you’re going to get anything for contributing to this Ideal Org scam. Are people… other than Sea Org people… actually convinced that the right thing to do is hand over $100,000 to David Miscavige so he can buy a building in Duluth and feature it in a promo mailer? I don’t get it.

So, if you’re a Scientologist and want some real charities to help,  send me an email at ensifer@hushmail.com and I’ll give you a list of my favorites. In the meantime, seeing as how this is 9/11 and the date that we all (and Americans in particular) ought to think about when it comes to recognizing how ugly “religion” can get when it seeks power I’ll link a video of a charity that I’d like to see you send money to rather than to Miscavige’s sham:

A final thought for any who knew me back in the pre-1982 Scientology era – yes, I did have some nice things…

This car has nothing whatsoever to do with my penis size. Really. I mean it. Nothing. Nada.

  1. routeplanner says:

    Thanks for posting. Seems you’ve a fairly materialistic view of things but I reckon the reason people donate boils down to their belief/knowledge they are a spirit. If you decide there is no hereafter then it’s harder to give a shit what happens. Plus, life on this planet for the majority is not about burgers n movies. Who doesn’t want to help those less fortunate?

    Btw, agreed on the compensatory nature of Ideal Orgs

    • ensifer says:

      Pretty much everybody with any compassion at all wants to be a positive factor in the lives of others, especially those less fortunate. So we’re definitely in agreement there.

      I’m not particularly materialistic by the way, but the Church of Scientology sure is.

      I appreciate your comments and the time you spent reading. Please do come back.


  2. tunedal says:

    Another great read, thank you for the lesson in american views and about the buckle, because I think this is american, the size anxiety, mainly. I could be wrong. It was fun to read about this.

    Me too I am amazed that people still “fall for this crap”.

    I also stopped digging into the dirty deeds of Miscavige. I am so overrunned on it, but I understand that people need to talk about it, sure. Just don’t expect me to listen to it.

    One thing I want to say: I have friends who have a higher purpose in life, higher than those things you mention above. They actually do.

    Nice car.

    • ensifer says:

      Thanks again for your comments Stefan. As for my rant about “most people”, be assured that I am well aware that many people want more than material comfort. Oddly enough though, it’s when one attains a certain level of abundance that they now have the affluence needed to be concerned about the spiritual side of existence.

      You and me both are on the same page about being overrun with how terrible Miscavige is. but it’s fun from time to time to rag on him.


  3. vassileos says:

    Hi there! Am Italian. An ex.Scn.Its late at night. I found your blog and I liked what I read. i just wanted to give you my small contribution having been in Scn from 1975. What you say makes to me a lot more sense than a superficial dichotomy such as I am seeing around between ‘independents’ and ‘CofMiscavige’. Your viewpoint offers more than a reason to ‘look’ as opposed to ‘listen’… thank you. ( my english might not be that good, so forgive me). have a nice day. Vassileos

  4. ensifer says:

    I think your English is excellent and I appreciate your comments. In fact, it’s quite a bit better than a lot of the native English speakers!

    Come back anytime.


  5. ensifer says:

    I would like to apologize to those of you who made comments and didn’t see them appear here on the blog. The simple fact is… I’m an idiot. Here’s why –

    I discovered that WordPress allows Google ads on their free blog software… when they host the blog. I don’t like that. So my son, who is somehow much brighter and smarter than me and knows all about this technical stuff offered to host the blog. Apparently the code is open source, free to use. He kindly moved the blog to one of his servers and now we have no ads. But I wasn’t aware that i had to “approve” each comment because of the intense level of spamming that goes on out here.

    I found all your comments tonight, along with about 25 spams. So now I’ll check every day, delete the spams and approve the efforts of actual people.

    Thanks for your patience.